


Find comfort in me

by Saffir



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x03 coda, Actual conversations, Bisexual Sam Winchester, Cas is in pain, Comfort, Dean’s a bit of a jerk, First Kiss, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt, M/M, Past Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sam’s in pain, implied past Gabriel/Sam Winchester, implied past Rowena MacLeod/Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21689662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saffir/pseuds/Saffir
Summary: After the fight with Dean, Cas leaves the bunker. Sam checks up on Cas, and they begin a routine of meeting up in diners while Dean was asleep or drunk, where they’d just talk for a while. Sam certainly wasn’t expecting feelings to come out of the routine though.
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	Find comfort in me

**Author's Note:**

> coda to 15x03 that took me a while to write but motivation is a bitch. also, cas deserves better
> 
> chapter title is from shawn mendes’s treat you better

Sam could hear the argument from his room. Or, what he presumed to be an argument. He couldn’t discern exactly what was being said, but he knew the sound of Dean raising his voice all too well. There was a small silence, a groundbreaking silence, followed by what Sam presumed to be someone talking. 

A sudden silence followed after that, then he heard the main door closing shut. He heard Dean speak a string of cuss words, then heard a bottle shatter, and then silence once again. Perhaps he should have investigated, but some things could be left for the morning, he thought.

~~~~~

Cas wasn’t there in the morning. 

As soon as Sam walked into the main room and saw no trace of the angel, he knew something had to be off. Yes, it could be that Cas was just taking one of his small breaks that he sometimes takes, but after the supposed argument that had taken place, coupled with yesterday’s events, Sam guessed that this probably wasn’t one of those instances. 

Dean was still asleep, but not in his room. After some light searching, Sam found him asleep in the kitchen, surrounded by many empty bottles of beer.

_Great,_ Sam thought exasperatedly, _He drank himself to sleep._

Sam took the opportunity to walk out into the main room of the bunker and then back into his own room. Once in the comfort of his room, Sam pulled out his phone and dialed Cas’s number.

Cas didn’t pick up the first time, nor the second time, nor even the third time. It was on the fourth try that Sam heard the line click, and the familiar gravelly voice- albeit with an obvious tinge of irritation- filled his ears.

“Yes?”

“Cas, hey.” Sam breathed, holding onto the phone. “Where are you? What happened?”

There was a stretch of silence, long enough that Sam almost spoke again before he finally heard a reply. “I’m uh, in Columbus, Nebraska.” 

“You’re in _Nebraska_?”

“Yes.” Cas replied matter-of-factly, his voice oddly soft and demure, with a small hint of exhaustion. “I drove for a while, then stopped at a motel when I became too tired. When I woke up and asked where I was, they said I was in Nebraska.” 

“Why are you in Nebraska? What happened? Why did you drive all the way there?” 

A small silence followed, before Sam heard something on the other end. 

“I’d rather not say, Sam.”

Sam groaned and rubbed his eyes. “Alright well, how about this- meet me in Hastings, I’ll find a diner and we can meet there. Then we can talk- and if you don’t want to talk about what happened, that’s fine. I just, I at least want to make sure that you’re okay.”

“Surely Dean would notice your absence.” 

“Dean’s wasted.” Sam replied confidently. “I don’t think he’ll notice for a while. Just meet me. I’ll text you the address.” 

Another silence, and then, “Alright. I’ll see you soon.” Then the line clicked, and Sam was left in silence.

~~~~~

Sam got there first. 

He wasn’t surprised, as his drive was only an hour long while Cas’s was over an hour and a half. Granted, Sam had stopped along the way to get some stuff and hopefully stall some time, but he was still twenty minutes ahead of Cas. 

A waitress had approached Sam almost as soon as he first sat down, but he insisted that he was waiting on someone and would order later. The waitress had simply nodded in understanding and walked off, clutching her notepad. 

When Cas finally walked into the little diner, Sam immediately knew something had happened. Cas looked tired, much more tired than usual. His hair was a disheveled mess and his eyes were red, a sure fire sign that the normally stoic angel _had actually been crying_. He walked like the weight of the world was on his shoulders, as though every step he took was painful. And when he sat down, he did so in a way that made it look like a great weight had been lifted off of him- as though simply walking was a momentous task. Something was definitely off. 

“Hello Sam.” Cas murmured, barely even lifting his eyes. His voice was demure and tired, dripping with pure exhaustion. 

Before Sam could reply, however, a friendly looking waitress with immensely curly black hair and a mass of freckles approached the two of them.

“Hello there,” She began, placing a menu down in front of both of them, “My name’s Haven, I’ll be your waitress for today. May I get you two started off with something to drink?”

“Water for me.” Sam replied, curving his lips into the best fake smile he could manage as he looked at the waitress.

The waitress then turned her head to Cas, who gave a nod to Sam. “The same for me.” 

“Alrighty!” The waitress chirped, before scribbling it down and walking off.

Sam immediately took the opportunity of her absence to face Cas, a worried expression dawning on his face. “Cas, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Sam.”

“You don’t look ‘fine’. Did Dean say something to you?” Cas hesitated, shifting his eyes. “You don’t have to tell me what. Just tell me, did he say something to you?”

Cas briefly hesitated, then reluctantly nodded. Sam took a brief moment to think, studying Cas’s forlorn face and his tired features.

“You were in love with him.” Sam stated suddenly, sitting up a little. 

Cas lifted his head, but quickly nodded. “For a while, I was.”

Sam tilted his head, narrowing his eyes inquisitively. “Not anymore?”

“Not for a little while. I don’t really know why. Maybe he changed. Maybe I changed. Maybe, maybe we both changed.” Cas paused, and Sam glanced at him. “Maybe nothing changed. I’m not sure anymore.” 

Sam tilted his head in response, unable to reply.

Cas then took his turn glancing at Sam, his eyes narrowing as he scanned Sam’s face. “You were in love with Rowena.”

Sam just nodded shyly. “I’m not sure why. I guess after Gabriel, my heart needed someone to latch onto, and she- she was there.” 

Cas gave a small, tired, knowing smile and lifted his hand. “You don’t have to give a reason for your feelings. It’s perfectly reasonable to fall for someone you’re close to, and I don’t blame you for having feelings for anyone. As long as you are fine with the fact that I had feelings for your brother.”

“I am. Fine with it, that is. Actually, I always kinda knew- I had a hunch, I guess. I always saw the way you looked at him.” Sam glanced out of the window briefly. “No offense to Dean, but he’s a complete idiot for not realizing. And for never making a move.”

Cas actually let out a laugh at that. A small, tired laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. “Dean was always rather slow when it came to feelings.” 

Sam laughed and nodded. “That’s something we can definitely agree on.”

Cas gave a small smile and lifted his head as the waitress came towards them with their waters. 

“What can I get you two for food?” The waitress asked happily, tilting her head. 

“Caesar salad for me, thanks.” Sam replied.

Cas nodded. “A hamburger for me.”

“Anything on that?”

Cas shook his head. “I’ll have it plain, thank you.” 

“Alrighty then. How do you want it cooked?” 

“Medium.”

The waitress simply nodded as she jotted down their orders on a notepad. Once she realized they didn’t want anything else, she headed back towards the kitchen, notepad in hand. As soon as she walked off, Sam turned his attention back to Cas.

“Well, I don’t know what Dean said or did, but I’m sorry for whatever it was.” Sam spoke. Cas lifted his head, an almost expectant look in his beautiful blue eyes. “He’s just… been in a mood lately I guess. I’m not even sure anymore.”

Cas gave a small, silent nod. His lips parted as though he were to say something, but he closed them before a single word had the chance to escape. Sam did catch the look in Cas’s eyes, however. It was a somber and sullen, but acceding look- Cas was agreeing with him, but with such a doleful expression that Sam was surprised he hadn’t yet burst into tears. Something had definitely happened. It was gnawing at Sam to find out what, but he knew whatever it had to have been couldn’t be an easy thing for Cas to talk about. 

“Of course,” Sam started, picking at the paper wrapping of the straw that the waitress had placed down, “That doesn’t give him the right to say anything to you.”

Cas’s eyes drifted over Sam’s face momentarily, a strange expression on his face. It was almost like a mix of disbelief, disagreement and somber surrender. It wasn’t hard for Sam to realize- Cas wanted to disagree with him, but just didn’t even have the energy to. 

A wave of sorrow and pity washed over Sam as soon as that expression crossed Cas’s face. Cas may have not been as close to Sam as he had been to Dean, but Sam still cared deeply for the fallen angel. They had spent many days together- many moments, many laughs and many tears. There was a bond between the two- not the same as what had been between Dean and Cas, but something similar. They had a silent agreement- one to take care of each other, to pick up the pieces of the other’s pain. 

And Sam knew pain- that was all he had ever known his whole life. He couldn’t bear to see one of his few remaining loved ones in such immense pain. 

A sudden urge to take Cas’s pain away overwhelmed him, as Cas let out another soft sigh and Sam nearly crumpled at the sound. 

Unsure how else to express these feelings, Sam simply grabbed Cas’s hand and squeezed it reassuringly. Cas lifted his head curiously, narrowing his eyes. 

“I’m truly sorry. For whatever he said or did.” Sam let out a sigh and licked his lips, letting his eyes drift across the oak table. “Of course, I can’t apologize for him, but I’m still sorry.” 

“You don’t need to apologize.” Cas murmured, his expression soft. “Dean’s actions are not yours, Sam. You are not responsible for what he’s done.” 

Sam tilted his head. “Still. I feel like I could have at least stopped him.”

“I did not expect you to. You are in pain. I do not expect you to fight off my pain while you deal with your own.” 

Sam shook his head. “Still.”

Cas ran his thumb over the back of Sam’s hand, pursing his lips in thought. Sensing that Cas would continue this, and that there was no way to win the argument, Sam simply sighed and sat up a little. Before he could even speak, however, Cas opened his mouth. 

“Well, enough about me. Are you doing well? Or at least, as well as you can expect?”

Sam shrugged, a bit taken by surprise by the question. “I… I don’t know. It’s… this is something that I thought I’ve had the misfortune of getting used to. Then it just happens again, and it hurts just as much as it did the first time it ever happened.” 

Cas gave a somber, knowing smile as he continued to run his thumb over the back of Sam’s hand. “Your pain… it must be so immense. I’m so terribly sorry for you.”

Sam used his free hand to grab Cas’s open hand, softening his expression as he locked eyes with Cas. “Yours too. Even I can tell you’re in pain, Cas. Just… just promise me you won’t shut me out?”

Cas hesitated, thinking for a moment, before he gave a small nod. “I promise.” 

Sam almost instantly relaxed. A smile broke across his face- the first genuine smile he had had in a while. He leaned back, never breaking his tender hold of Cas’s hands. 

They sat like that for a moment, quiet and peaceful, holding on to the others hands. No words, just a peaceful silence. They didn’t care to consider what this situation might look like to those around them, instead just taking a spare moment of true peace. 

That peace was eventually interrupted by the arrival of their orders. The waitress kindly placed both their plates on the table, seemingly not noticing (or not caring) that they had been holding hands. She gave them a smile and a cheery “enjoy your meal” before she walked off yet again, leaving them alone.

As Sam began to eat his salad, Cas watched him attentively. Right as Sam opened his mouth to say something and ask why Cas was watching him, Cas spoke.

“How have you been sleeping? Have you been having nightmares still?” 

Sam shifted his eyes, but nodded slowly. “Sometimes, yeah. They come and go.” 

“Anything specific happen in them?” Cas questioned. 

Sam gripped his arm as his mind drifted to the visions he’d been having, but he adamantly bit those down. “No. Just… just replaying stuff I’ve been through. Same as usual.” 

Cas narrowed his eyes, almost as though he could tell Sam was lying, but he stayed quiet and sat up, taking a bite of his burger. 

“I do hope they go away soon, Sam. You don’t deserve to have that pain.” 

Sam gave an almost silent skeptical chuckle, soft enough that Cas didn’t hear. Instead of replying, though, he focused on finishing off his salad. Cas still kept an attentive eye on Sam as he ate, but he eventually dissolved into a conversation with Sam that steered completely away from recent events. 

The two of them exchanged small talk for the rest of their meals, taking the opportunity to just sit and talk while nothing life-threatening hung over them- or at least, nothing urgently life threatening. It was a nice change of pace for Sam and Cas, and definitely very much needed. Sam even managed to get a genuine laugh out of Cas after regaling him with a story of a hunt he had done prior to meeting Cas. As their food slowly disappeared, the conversation continued, with Sam trying his best to keep Cas’s mind off of whatever had happened. 

Eventually, however, Sam did have to leave, as did Cas. Once their food had been finished off, their waitress handed them the check. They both got up once the check was paid, but before Cas could walk off, Sam gripped his hand. 

“Promise me you’ll keep in touch.” Sam murmured, looking at Cas with an almost expectant expression. 

Cas glanced at Sam, his eyes running over the length of Sam’s face. “Alright. I promise.” 

Sam stood and the two walked outside together, Sam to the Impala and Cas to his own car. Before either of them climbed in, they gave a goodbye wave to each other.

And so, Sam drove home in a slightly better mood.

**Author's Note:**

> this will be a 3 part story. also, since this is supposed to take place directly after 15x03, it diverges from canon after that, and will not be following any of the following episodes
> 
> also: i legit didn’t even consider shipping sam and cas until 15x03, so this story will kinda be following that


End file.
